The British are Coming
by Mistoffelees
Summary: Riley found a map that will lead to the greatest treasure Benjamin Gates has ever known. Warning: this story is serious business. Cross-posted at treasure geeks on LJ. ...in July.


_Ring. Ring. Ring. …Ring. _

Ben was awoken by the sound of his phone ringing. Abigail didn't wake up at the noise even though she's a light sleeper, because I guess she's deaf. After giving a moment for this horrifying realization to sink in, Ben quickly recovered and picked up the phone.

"Hello?" he asked groggily.

"Hey, Ben," answered Riley, who sounded very awake, because he always stayed up until ridiculous hours of the night on his computer, but still was miraculously able get up in the morning to go trekking through the Arctic and steal the Declaration of Independence. "Just giving you my obligatory phone call at two AM about how I can't sleep because my heat's out or I'm scared of the dark or I'm gay or something."

"Wait, you're gay?" Ben asked confusedly, setting his head back down on his pillow (which was stuffed with ancient manuscripts and small relics). Of course. How could he have missed all the obvious clues? Like…when Riley…made out with Mitch…and…had sex with Ian. …How could he have missed that? (A/N: THIS DOESN'T IMMEDIATELY TAKE YOU OUT OF THE STORY AT ALL LOL. …mmm, hot sex.)

Riley laughed. "J/k, lol. I have a huge crush on your daughter, actually."

Oh, yeah, Ben and Abigail have a daughter, even though they're not actually married. Technically they're broken up right now, even though they live in the same house. But their daughter's name is…Sam, and she has beautiful brown hair and a heart-shaped face, and her eyes are the prettiest shade of green, and she has awesome boobs. (A/N: OMG WHERE DID THAT INSPIRATION COME FROM. Wow. Her full name is Sam Adams Gates. LOL, get it? LOLZ.)

"…WHAT?" Ben cried a full twenty seconds later, because he needed to wait for me to finish describing myself. I mean…Sam. Also, Sam is, like…eighteen. Um, so Ben actually had her with some other woman eighteen years ago. She was his long-lost daughter. (A/N: YESSSS this makes perfect sense.)

"Yeah, I didn't tell you?" Riley asked. Ben could hear him tapping away at his keyboard or possibly the number pad on his phone. Riley often forgot he was on the phone when he called someone. 4SHADOW!! 4REAL!! LOL I know he doesn't really do this but let's just pretend, kk? This story is so canonically accurate that I figured this one slip-up wouldn't bother anyone.

"No, you didn't let me finish," Ben elaborated. "You know that I always say something vague and then continue on to a much clearer and more understandable statement. I meant to say WHAT? YOU'RE NOT GAY?"

There was a long pause on the other end of the line. Riley wasn't shocked at Ben's outburst, he just forgot he was on the phone again.

"Riley."

"What? Ben, why are you…oh. What? Oh! No, haha, no, I'm not gay at all," Riley assured him, chuckling and pushing his glasses up his nose. At least, that's what Ben assumed the noise was. He could have been dragging a plastic hanger down his bare chest. …Ben hoped it was the latter.

"Then what about all those times you had hot sex with Ian?" Ben asked confusedly.

"Umm..." Riley began hesitantly, suddenly quiet. Mozart's Requiem was playing in the background, because that was the song playing on Riley's iPod when his house burned down with his parents and pet rocks still inside, twenty years ago. Thankfully, Riley found a father figure in Emmett Brown after that - the same man who had brought him to the future in his DeLorean a year previous (1985?! J/k, 1987) to get said iPod (and a Mac, and iTunes, and the internet). Actually, it was the Libyans who ended up burning down Riley's house, but that's another story that I don't need to write because I just explained the entire plot to you in this paragraph.

"…mmm," Riley continued, quietly. "Actually, Ian and I weren't having consensual hot sex, it was…rape."

A chill went down Ben's spine. He quickly shook the ice cube out of his pajama top. "Riley…I'm so sorry. Why didn't you say anything until now?"

"Well, up until now I'd managed to suppress the memories…thanks, Ben."

Guilt washed over Ben like a wave of…guilt. Damn. Abigail was going to kill him for getting guilt all over the sheets again. He heard the noise of Riley fixing his glasses/running a hanger down his chest again. Suddenly, with horror, he realized that it was the sound of Riley slitting his wrists.

"RILEY!" he yelled, thankful that Abigail was deaf. "DON'T DO IT!"

"Don't do what?" Riley asked confusedly. "Push up my glasses? Ben, I need to see, I'm talking on the phone. Sight is extremely important to me right now." He was glad Ben couldn't actually see him idly dragging his plastic hanger down his chest.

"…Sorry," Ben mumbled. " I meant…don't…let the memories consume you."

"Oh!" Riley cried suddenly. "Ben, you're a genius!"

Ben chuckled. "Well, yeah."

Riley rolled his eyes. Ben knew because he had grown accustomed to the sound of Riley's eyeballs turning in their sockets. "No, Ben – the last time Ian and I had hot, non-consensual sex – inside the snowcat…"

"Wait, how did I not…"

"…he carved a map to – to some kind of treasure, I think, on my cheek," Riley finished, rushing through his words in his excitement.

Ben frowned in confusion. "But I see your face all the time, Riley, and there's no wow I cannot believe you just went there." He shifted uncomfortable for a moment. That damn ice cube had travelled into his pajama bottoms. "Um…why did I never see it when we were…?"

"Because I refused to do it doggy-style with you," Riley said, sighing softly. "I was never sure why it bothered me, but now I know why…it was because of Ian. That was his favorite position – he loved to pretend he was Paul Revere and slap my ass, yelling that the British were coming."

The disgusting but slightly hilarious connotation was not lost on Ben. "Did you know, it really wasn't Paul Revere who…"

"Raped, Ben."

"Right, sorry," Ben apologized hastily. "So…why did you wait this long to tell me? I mean, how did you not notice a map on your ass for this long?"

Riley huffed crossly. "It's not often I just look at my ass in the mirror, Ben," he said. Ben cursed disappointedly under his breath. (A/N: btw, neither of them are gay! EW!)

"I have to wake up Abigail and tell her about this treasure," Ben said excitedly, after he had recovered from having his sixth hottest fantasy about Riley dashed. He sat up and reached over, shaking Abigail. Um, they still slept in the same bed, even though they were broken up. Abigail snorted in his sleep. Ben shook her again.

"I'M GERMAN!" Abigail cried in alarm as she sat up, gasping for breath. She looked around worriedly for a moment before her gaze landed on Ben. She immediately scrambled backward. "Ben, what are you doing in my bed? You don't live here anymore!" she hissed, her German accent growing thicker in her anger.

"We'll talk about that later. Riley has information about a hidden treasure!" Ben told her excitedly. He ignored the faint sound of Riley's voice coming from the phone.

"Another treasure?" Abigail said, frowning, her French accent coming through stronger in her annoyance. "Ben, I don't think I can handle more of this treasure hunting."

"But Abigail," Ben insisted, pouting, "this might be the greatest treasure known to man. I mean, Riley hasn't told me anything about it, but…you know? It could be."

"Benjamin Franklin Gates! Get out of my bed, you creepy perv! I am done with your stupid treasure hunting!" Abigail shouted, her Indian accent nearly taking over her speech.

Ben reluctantly crawled out of her bed, dragging the phone with him. I guess it was cordless. "Riley, I'm so sorry," he apologized as he left the room. "Abigail doesn't believe me. What do we do?"

"Um, that's actually a good thing, because I didn't want Abigail to know," Riley said, sounding embarrassed. "I was kind of hoping it could just be you and me."

Ben's face lit up. Angrily, he scrubbed the glow-in-the-dark pancake makeup off with his sleeve. "Really? That would be awesome, Riley. I mean, what do we need Abigail for? All she does is yell at us in her Pennsylvania Dutch accent."

"I'M GERMAN!" Abigail yelled from the bedroom in her heavy Irish accent.

Ben heard a bit of scuffling on the other end of the line. "Riley?"

"Sorry, Ben," Riley apologized hastily, suddenly sounding out of breath. "I just really don't want Abigail seeing me like this."

"Seeing you like wh…"

"_THE BRITISH ARE COMING!"_ Ben heard through Riley's end of the phone, and he froze.

"Ben, I've been kidnapped," Riley said quickly, his voice breaking. "Um, Ian's actually raping me right now. I have to go."

Before Ben could protest, he was met with a dial tone. Furious, he threw the phone in the direction of a nearby wall. Actually, it was a door and it was opening, and it struck Sam in the head as she was coming out of her bedroom to inquire about the noise. She crumpled to the floor unconscious. Ben strode past her to the stairs. In his defense, he couldn't see well in the dark.

"IAN!" Ben yelled, knocking on the door of some abandoned warehouse in a shady part of town. Sadusky had fortuitously called earlier with Riley's whereabouts. Ben thanked the agent profusely, promising him that they would go feed ducks at the park sometime soon.

He waited for a response and then knocked again. Faintly, he heard a cry from within and immediately busted down the door with his foot, even though it was made of several solid inches of metal and was actually just an unlocked sliding door. A horrifying site greeted his eyes. Quickly, he closed the 2 Girls 1 Cup page and was met with the terrible sight of Ian thrusting into Riley on the dusty concrete floor.

"But I heard you yell 'the British are coming' on the phone," Ben said, eyebrows furrowed. "Shouldn't you be done by now?"

"One if by land, yes, but two if by sea," Ian said with a sneer. "It's a long way from England."

Riley watched Ben with tears in his eyes. He sneezed and then wiped his nose. Damnit, of all the things he had to be allergic to, it had to be dust and sex with Ian.

"Ben, you have to save me," he pleaded, "even though I'm actually pretty strong and in no way restrained. You have to save me."

"What do I do, what do I do?" Ben fretted, hopping from foot to foot.

"DEUS EX MACHINA!" God yelled. His hands emerged from the clouds (Ben could see it through the glass windowed ceiling) and slammed together, causing a massive thunderclap to echo through the city and beyond. Somewhere, Patrick Gates had a heart attack, but the important thing was that Ian got off of Riley and pulled his own pants up, wiping off his hands.

"Well, I have to be going back now," he said, stretching. "Those prison guards are probably wondering what happened to me. Cheerio."

With that, he walked off. Ben didn't bother watching him leave, so thoroughly assured was he that Ian would simply head back to jail instead of running off down the street and murdering people in his wake. Ben ran over to Riley, helping him sit up and wiping the dust off of him. Riley blushed deeply and fixed his glasses, coughing lightly. His face and body were covered with bruises.

"Thanks for saving me," he mumbled gratefully. Ben, however, was too concerned with the cryptic map on Riley's ass. He examined it way too closely, invading Riley's personal space. Mostly because it was on Riley's ass.

"I don't understand," he murmured to himself, examining the carving on Riley's left butt cheek. "An arrow…pointing to the right. How cryptic. Could it have Native American significance? Perhaps it's a reference to the arrowheads they used? Or the spears carried by the nomads as the crossed the frozen Bering Strait? The treasure could be in Alaska…"

"Ben," Riley interrupted, watching him with a mildly amused expression on his face. "You really are dense sometimes, you know?"

With that, he launched himself at Ben (somewhat clumsily, as his pants were still around his ankles) and began making out with him in a hot fashion. Ben let this continue for maybe three minutes before suddenly pushing Riley away.

"Riley! You were just…having hot non-consensual sex with Ian! What is this about?"

"Dude, that arrow points to my ass. Ian explained it right before you came in. He wasn't being cruel – you kept ignoring the treasure right in front of your eyes, and he knew that the only thing you would pay attention to was a map, so he did this. Do you get it? He wanted to hook you up with me."

Ben let this sink in for a minute, utterly blindsided. "Uh…um…then…why did he kidnap and rape you?"

Riley turned a shade of pink. "Actually, we were just having sex – it was always consensual. I just wanted you to get all protective and comfort me."

Ben stared at him. "So…the whole point of this was that you would get hurt and I would comfort you."

"…That's pretty much how it works, yeah."

"And you were just having sex with Ian – and you had a lot of sex with Ian – even though you love me."

"…Yeah."

"That is so hot," Ben said lustily. They quickly began to make out again. Ian came back to get his watch and they had a threesome.

On the way to get a glass of water, Abigail saw Sam unconscious and startled so badly that she fell down a convenient flight of stairs. And Sam wasn't actually unconscious, she was dead. D: OR WAS SHE? WAS SHE?

Yeah, she was.

The end.


End file.
